Dear dads,
Hi. I’m writing this because I’m an adult daughter. I can’t speak for all adult daughters. We’re pretty different. We have different experiences and different personalities. And different dads, of course. But there are a couple of things that I want to say to you all, from the perspective of one adult daughter.
I have no experience as a father, but I have been a daughter my whole life, so I’m just going to tell you what that’s been like. Over the years, my relationship with my dad has transformed. As an infant, I fully depended on my dad and my mom for everything. I couldn’t do anything for myself. As I grew, I suppose my dad had to adjust. His role as the father of an infant was different from being the father of a toddler or an adolescent or an adult. He did not stop being a father when I moved out of the house. When I think about what I appreciate most from my dad that has remained constant through all those stages, his provision, his transparency, and his time come to mind immediately. Those three things have had an unquantifiable impact on my life.
I’ll start with telling you how my dad provided. If you are a dad, one thing you can do for your children is provide. That may look differently for different families and it may change with time. Providing food, providing clothing, providing shelter, providing safety, providing love… all of these things can be provided in so many different ways. Looking back over my childhood, I see my dad’s provision in ways that I didn’t realize at the time. It took sacrifice sometimes. I bet it was hard and sometimes frustrating. It might have been scary. Even now as an adult, my dad continues to find creative ways to provide for me. He does this by coming over to fix leaky roofs and broken screen doors or by hiding candy bars in weird places in my house.
In addition to providing, my dad was transparent with me. He didn’t hide his weakness or pretend to be stronger than he was. I can pinpoint specific moments while I was growing up when my dad’s transparency had an impact on me. I clearly recall conversations where my dad was transparent about his struggles. I remember seeing my dad’s eyes well up with tears while he talked about how proud he was of me and how much he loved me and when he held me before leaving me at college. Every birthday and celebration as long as I can remember was marked by my dad’s transparency. He took each moment as an opportunity for heart-to-heart conversation about the gifts that he saw in each of us--in my mom, my brother, and in me--and about his prayers and hopes for us. This transparency had an exponential effect. Seeing my dad share his feelings with me made me feel safe to share my feelings with him. Even as an adult daughter, my dad continues to be open and transparent with me and our relationship continues to grow as I am open and transparent with him.
For flowers to grow in a garden, they need water and soil and sunlight. For a relationship to grow, it needs time. Looking back, I’m sure it cost my dad a lot to spend time with me and the rest of our family. I’m sure there were things that he gave up so that he could hang out with us. As a child, a lot of the time that I spent with my dad was around the kitchen table with the rest of the family or in the basement perfecting my softball swing or in the front yard playing catch. Regardless of what we were doing, though, my dad was taking that time to get to know his daughter more. He was listening to me and observing me and learning about me. In adulthood, this looks a little different. We don’t spend hours hitting wiffle balls in the basement anymore. Instead, we share phone calls and meals and car ride conversations whenever we get the chance. My dad is still listening and observing and learning about me.
There is more that I could say. I could talk about how my dad supported the decisions that I made, how he did not make them for me but helped me think through options and supported me when I decided. I could talk about how much it meant to me that my dad showed me that he trusted me and also how much it meant to me when he patiently talked me through what to do when I called in a panic because I put the wrong kind of gas in my car and I didn’t know what was going to happen. I could talk about his daily habits of prayer and reading scripture and how he spoke of God’s faithfulness to me day after day.
It is difficult for me to imagine the pressure that dads must feel sometimes. I bet it gets heavy. But you don’t have to do this perfectly. In fact, you’re probably going to mess up. When you mess up, don’t give up though. And if you feel like you have messed up too much already… maybe you haven’t. I’m not saying that you must fix your daughter’s leaky roof or give a heartfelt speech at her birthday or eat dinner at her house once a week. I am saying that my dad’s provision, transparency, and time left a lasting positive impact on me. I’m sure there are other ways to provide and be transparent and share time. My dad does it his way.
Love,
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