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Episode 4: Living Single

Some single people have been single for a long time. Some single people have just begun the journey of singleness. Some single people have been married before. Some single people will get married someday. Some single people have never been married and never will be married. Some single people have children or even grandchildren and great grandchildren. Some single people have no children and have never been parents, in the traditional sense. Some single people want to be married. Some single people do not want to be married. Some single people want to be married some days and are happy being single on other days. There is no one way to be single, and there are a lot of myths about singleness. Let’s consider eight of those myths:
  1. Single people cannot experience intimacy.This is very false. To be clear, sexual intimacy is not the only form of intimacy. Intimacy is closeness with people, knowing them and being known by them on a deep level. That type of intimacy is found in marriage, but it is definitely not exclusive to marriage. Single people enjoy deep and intimate relationships with friends and family members. In fact, without having a spouse or significant other to need to coordinate schedules with, singles sometimes have a unique opportunity to have more time to dedicate to strengthening these relationships.
  2. To have a meaningful ministry, you cannot be single.
    Jesus was single.
  3. Getting in a relationship is the top priority for single people. 
    Getting single people in a relationship seems to be a top priority for people who are not single, but many single people have higher priorities that are not related to their relationship status.
  4. All single people will get married.
    Some single people may one day get married. Others may never get married. One is not better than the other. Both are good. God makes a lot of promises in scripture. God promises to never leave us. God promises eternal life to those who believe in Christ. God does not promise marriage. There are people who are single today who will remain single for the rest of their lives, and it is not a punishment. So, assuring singles around you that God is preparing a special someone for them may not be the best, most truthful, thing to say. God’s plan for some people is to glorify God in singleness, just as God’s plan for other people is to glorify God in marriage. Both plans are very good. Singleness is not less than or worse than marriage. It is just different.
  5. Something is wrong with you if you are single.
    Again, Jesus was single.
  6. Being single is miserable.
    There is great joy in marriage. And there is great joy in singleness. Some of the joys of singleness involve freedom and time. Without obligations to consider another person’s schedule, single people sometimes have more flexibility to show up to help a friend when assistance is needed with short notice or be intentional about building friendships. Single people may choose to use their time to get degrees or volunteer or travel or pursue their passions in ways that would be difficult to do if another person’s schedule needed to be prioritized as well.
  7. Single people are lonely.
    Being lonely and being alone are not the same thing. Some single people may feel lonely in their alone-ness. Other single people do not feel lonely at all. Many single people deeply desire connection, but that does not have to happen in the context of a romantic relationship. Many singles find that desire fulfilled in the context of community, with married people and with other single people. If your single friends feel lonely, getting them into a relationship is not the only solution. If you have single friends, check on them! They may just want to hang out! And they might be tired of always being the one to reach out. They also might feel weary of being the friend you call only when your spouse is out of town or busy for the evening.
  8. Single people want relationship advice and need your help.
    If single people ask you for relationship advice or to be set up with someone, that is your sign that they want relationship advice or to proceed with setting them up with someone. If a single person does not ask you for that advice or set up, it is a good time to talk about something else with them. In general, many people seem to interpret someone else’s singleness as an invitation to provide unsolicited suggestions or to ask awkward questions such as:

    - Are you still single?
    - How are you still single?
    - Is there anyone special in your life right now?
    - Have you met your Boaz?

    Please stop. Many single people have heard Psalm 37:4 ripped out of context: God will give you the desires of your heart, just wait on the Lord, honey. The psalmist did not write those verses about finding a spouse. When we delight ourselves in the Lord, the desires of our heart align with God’s desires. In fact, when we delight ourselves in the Lord, God is the desire of our heart. So, to the married and to the single, delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. He will give you himself, which is really what we all need, regardless of our relationship status.
Want more? Listen to Episode 4 of Church Unfiltered here.

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